Avoid Getting Lured Back By A Narcissistic Abuser
Family Law Attorney Dealing with Narcissistic Abuse in Brick and Sea Girt NJ
Serving clients in Brick, Sea Girt, Toms River, Wall, Point Pleasant, and across Ocean and Monmouth Counties
Are you in a hurtful and confusing relationship, that forces you to highlight only the happy moments to avoid accepting the bad memories? If so, you might be involved with a narcissistic abuser and it’s vital that you learn more about their behavior when they try to convince you to stay with them.
Which Are The Top Strategies Used By Narcissistic Abusers?
The idealization/devaluation cycle is used by most narcissists. The idealization phase happens while they choose partners who mirror them well and nurture their ego. But once they come to the realization that the person they put way up high on the staircase is just a human being, that is when the devaluation phase starts off with criticism, controlling, and shaming.
Once you make it evident you want to leave, the narcissist will act nice again —but only as nice as it fits their part. Nevertheless, they will resort back to their abusive behavior almost as soon as you come back. If you manage to call out on love-bombing and gaslighting (tactics of manipulation), you will then be able to liberate yourself from any narcissist.
Narcissists will blur their “prey” with theatrical displays of adoration. Elle Magazine recently published an interview with singer FKA Twigs, where she thoroughly described the abusive relationship she had with Shia LaBoeuf and how he would tell her he loved her not too long after the first time they met and literally jumped the fence of her London residence, to bring her flowers and love notes. These are the classic love-bombing strategies that debilitate victims by making them feel unique. The intermittent dopamine rewards typical of love-bombing relationships make them addictive, thus having the abused partner race back in search of another dose of dopamine (a brain chemical that creates feelings of pleasure and reward, which motivates you to repeat a specific behavior) once they feel devalued. FKA Twigs admitted being drawn back to LaBoeuf after the relationship ended.
LaBoeuf sent her 10 and 20 bunches of flowers every day for 10 days in a row. She would sit down to watch something or work, hear the doorbell ring, and find three more bunches of flowers. The note would always read “More love, more love”. Looking back, she admitted it was a bit excessive and felt awkward, more like seriously aggressive love.
The most effective method to shield yourself from love-bombing is to see situations for what they are: the complete opposite of love. It narrows down to a strategy to pull you in. You will most likely feel devalued if you decide to go back under the narcissist’s domain. Don’t trust fantastic promises and overwhelming displays of affection, instead pay attention to your significant other’s commitment to improving their unhealthy behavior.
How To Recognize Gaslighting?
The concept was borrowed from the classic film “Gaslight”, about a vicious husband who convinces his wife she’s losing her mind because he’s trying to steal her fortune. Narcissists gaslight their victims of choice by discrediting what they believe is real. Their goal is to convince you that you are the one responsible for their poor behavior. Model Sarah McNeilly shared on her Instagram account how she had suffered abuse from her ex-partner, singer Marilyn Manson.
He reportedly threw her against a wall and threatened to smash her face with the baseball bat he was holding, because she attempted to help him choose a pair of pants to wear for a music video. She witnessed him making up problems or hiding missing objects to validate his uncontrollable outbursts. McNeilly also explained that she was scared of leaving him because he had the habit of blackmailing and belittling people.
Losing the ability to think critically is a common trait of gaslighting victims, because of the brainwashing the narcissist works on them. Keeping a log of the narcissist’s behavior and revising it with a therapist or trusted support person is one tool against brainwashing. Narcissists are known to enjoy isolating their victims so they can exercise full control over them. What they focus on is preventing you from getting advice from people who do care about your well-being.
Ending Narcissistic Abuse
Take ownership of your situation by connecting with your support system, learn about these violent behaviors, and plan a safe way out.
Trauma-bonding explained. Having an intense attachment to anyone who chooses to hurt you is far from love, that is trauma-bonding. People who were abused by those who were supposed to keep them safe, end up attracting partners who repeat the abuse as they grow older. The so-called love you feel is probably unreal, but actually, a nervous system response activated by the repetition of trauma happening during childhood.
Share your story. Allow yourself to talk to those who truly support you, instead of only focusing on the narcissist’s opinion. External points of view will help you counteract love-bombing and gaslighting and notice the narcissist’s behavior for the aggression and manipulation it hides.
Choose a safe way out. Narcissists usually escalate their abusive behavior when their prey (partner) tries to walk out of the relationship. Seek for violence support resources to help you design your safety plan to leave as soon as possible.
Contact our Domestic Violence Lawyers for a Free Consultation
If you or a loved one are subject to narcissistic abuse, seek counseling from an experienced Domestic Violence and Family Lawyer to help you weigh your best options to break free from the abuse cycle and outlining the best strategies to safeguard your future, free from any harmful consequences.
At Peter Bronzino, we take pride in successfully representing clients in Brick, Sea Girt, Toms River, Wall, Point Pleasant, and across Ocean and Monmouth Counties.
Contact the Monmouth law offices of Peter Bronzino at 732-812-3102 today, to understand your available options. One of our New Jersey domestic violence attorneys will answer your questions and provide you with a cost-free initial consultation.