How to Keep the Peace and Maintain Successful In-Law Relations During NJ Divorce and Beyond

Although divorce rates have diminished slightly in the past few years, about 44% of first-time married couples in the U.S. get divorced.  The causes range from infidelity, breakdowns in communication, arguments about finances, changes in careers or life goals, and many others.  Marriage troubles are as unique as the people involved in them.  Divorce is more than a legal dissolution of a contract.  It is the end of a couple’s hopes for the future. As such, the emotional effects of divorce can be devastating.  Divorce frequently triggers an identity crisis because, as a married person, their identity rests partially as husband or wife.  Once that relationship is severed, they view themselves as something else.  This loss of self can disrupt a job, education, and social relationships.

The guilt and shame that accompany a divorce can also be overwhelming.  Second guessing, feelings of failure, and wondering how they could have avoided a split by doing things differently plague the mind with doubts.  Fear and anger go hand in hand.  People are vulnerable and afraid during a divorce because their future as a single person, making their way financially and physically on their own, can be frightening.  By refusing to acknowledge or process that fear, many subconsciously use anger to cover up that vulnerability and protect themselves from more emotional pain.  Divorce often triggers grief and a profound sense of loss.  It irreparably changes the lives of everyone involved.  The transition through a divorce is not seamless because there will always be a before and after.

The collateral damage of a divorce ripples through the family members of the divorced couple. In-laws will likely want to support their child, and there may be accusations, insults, and plenty of finger-pointing.  Divided loyalties can cause them to reject their child’s ex, blaming them for the breakdown of the marriage.  These can be symptoms of the fear and grief they are feeling over what the future will hold for the couple and their potential relationship with their grandchildren.  Negotiating visits and boundaries can be challenging, especially when the divorce is contentious.  That grief can be amplified further when there is a close relationship between the extended family members.  When in-laws have built a relationship of trust, the thought of severing those ties can be heartbreaking.  If the in-laws’ relationship with the wife or husband is not anything to write home about, it could mean even more troubles are brewing. Successfully handling the in-law aspect of a divorce can pose a challenge to anyone, so arming yourself with some helpful methods for maintaining a positive dynamic with your former in-laws can be invaluable during what is always a stressful time for everyone involved.

Major Sources of Family Conflict Involving Ex In-Laws in a Divorce

Taking Sides and Unsolicited Advice

Parents want to help their children—at least, they want to do what they consider helpful.  Unfortunately, this often results in unsolicited advice or taking sides.  Relationships can be messy, and divorce can make them messier.  Even when the in-laws were supportive before the marriage began, they will choose their child every time there is talk of a split.  Because they are woefully misinformed by hearing only one side of the story, their advice can do more harm than good.  For example, Duncan and April have decided to split up after 7 years of marriage.  April tells her parents that Duncan is a control freak and wants to handle all of the finances, leaving her without so much as a penny to herself.  They offer to get her an attorney right away and suggest she accuse Duncan of financial abuse.  They don’t know that April has driven her household into near bankruptcy with her love affair with shopping and all the luxuries therein.

Negative Influence on Children

To preserve a relationship with their grandchildren, the in-laws should maintain open communication channels and at least a civil relationship with their child’s ex instead of requiring the courts to decide.  Frequently, parents struggle with leaving their children unsupervised with their in-laws because there is negative talk about the divorce with everyone involved, including the children.  Children should never be exposed to this behavior from their parents or extended family.  For example, Duncan’s mother, Georgina, usually takes the children to the movies or a play center a few Saturdays per month.  They enjoy spending time with their grandparents and always look forward to their visits.  At least they did, until Grandma Georgina began speaking disparagingly about April in front of the children with comments such as,” You know, I never did like your mother from the first time we met,” or “If your mother weren’t so greedy none of this would be happening.” Putting the children in a situation where they must choose their grandparents over their mother can be unhelpful at best and emotionally traumatizing at worst.

Drama and Gossip

Some people are born dramatic, while others have drama thrust upon them.  Family reunions and celebrations are ripe fodder for the drama llamas.  April and Duncan are still on speaking terms, but their respective parents are not.  Each set of grandparents spends family events chatting with friends and relatives, drumming up support for their side, and shedding a crocodile tear or two to drum up sympathy.  Georgina whispers to her sisters, Clara and Belle, “You just know she’s going to squeeze him for every last nickel, and I have it on good authority that I may never see my grandchildren once the divorce is finalized,” even when nothing of the sort has been so much as hinted at.  Her husband, Darryl, complains to his friends, “We can’t believe it.  We never thought she would betray us.” What is worse is April’s parents, Jacob and Arlene, are having similar conversations with their side of the family.  Everyone has to add a smidge more hyperbole to keep the stories interesting while destroying any possibility of a relationship between the exes and in-laws.

Financial Complications

Lastly, when money is involved, everything becomes more complicated, even in the best of times.  The financial aftermath can ruin relationships, whether there is a shared family business or a home. If the business (or the couple’s shares) are part of the divorce settlement, it can cause a financial disaster.  What once seemed like a marvelous, profitable enterprise becomes an albatross of arguments and hostility.  Sometimes, parents offer to pay for a car or make a down payment on the first house for the newlywed couple.  Because no paper trail identifies the transaction as a loan, the in-laws could be out a substantial chunk of change.  Contrarily, in today’s economy, retirees are having trouble making ends meet, and the income of their son or daughter’s family may make it possible to stay afloat.  Once that union is divided, money is tight all around, and the in-laws may find themselves in dire financial straits.

Two Pillars of In-Law Management During a Divorce

Creating boundaries is primordial when dealing with in-laws and divorce. It keeps everyone on the same page if you make it clear from the beginning what topics are not up for conversation at any time, including when they are with the grandchildren.  In-laws often act out or speak out of pocket because they are afraid.  The possibility of losing contact with their children and grandchildren and of the unknown can be frightening because they aren’t driving the bus.  Establish a visitation schedule and make it clear that as long as the boundaries are adhered to, they will always have a relationship with their grandchildren.

Establishing Firm Boundaries with Your Ex’s Parents

Every family is different, and their response to a divorce can vary greatly.  However, there are boundaries you and your ex can establish to make the process easier in terms of your relationships with your in-laws.  Let them know that unless you bring it up, any questions or comments on their part regarding the divorce will fall on deaf ears, and the subject will be changed forthwith.  Mark clear boundaries about parenting decisions.  If they disagree with the custody plan, what a shame, but that is none of their concern.  Remind them that as the parents of your children, you and your ex can decide on your own without any other input.  As mentioned, to ease their distress regarding the grandchildren, set up a visitation plan (even an informal one) as soon as possible.  They may be helpful as babysitters while you and your ex meet with your lawyers or manage other businesses.  The kicker is usually financial issues.  Maybe your ex’s parents are shocked to hear you want alimony or think the amount is exorbitant.

Regarding the division of assets and debts, they may not agree with your and your ex’s or the court’s decisions.  Maybe your mother-in-law is mortified to hear that the crystal punch set she gave you as a wedding present stays with you, or you are selling the car your in-laws helped pay for and splitting the money with your ex as part of the settlement.  A gentle reminder that all is well, and these decisions are what is best for you and your ex sets the tone to end further discussion.

Communicating Clearly and Respectfully

In addition, respectful and direct communication is an absolute must, especially in the midst of a divorce. Encouraging everyone to speak openly and honestly while avoiding sarcasm and passive aggression can provide a solid foundation for the changing horizon.  Adults should communicate as such, even when there are disagreements.  Poor communication will only worsen the situation and could cause an irreparable rift.  If there is conflict, stay calm.  This can prevent an argument from escalating. Focus on your response and keep it as constructive and composed as possible.

How to Handle Grandparents’ Visitation Requests

In New Jersey, the Grandparent Visitation Statute was enacted to promote the grandparent-grandchild relationship.  This allows the grandparents to petition the court for visitation rights.  The judge will consider several factors, including the relationship held between the grandparents and the child, the parent’s visitation schedule, the parent’s relationship with the grandparents, the amount of time since the last visit, the effect a relationship would have on the grandchild and their parent, and a history of abuse or domestic violence on the part of the grandparents.

The request for visitation must be filed in the county where the grandchildren live or in the court that makes all of the custody decisions for the grandchildren.  The petition must describe the current relationship between the grandchild and their grandparents and why they have been estranged.  The court prefers that parents and grandparents make their own custody plan, but if it is impossible to reach an accord, the court can ratify a visitation order.

Facing In-Law Complications During Your Divorce? Let an Experienced NJ Family Law Attorney Help Ensure a Smooth Process for Everyone Involved

At the Bronzino Law Firm, every client has unique issues that our attorneys can work to resolve while protecting their rights.  Obtrusive, demanding in-laws can wreak havoc on your intentions to get through your divorce unscathed and with your dignity intact.  We will protect your parental rights, suggest visitation plans, and address grandparent visitation issues with the forethought and tactical skill that only experience can provide.  By mediating disputes between you and your ex or your child’s grandparents, if possible, we can establish a plan that includes everyone but does not undermine your authority. Our family law firm has successfully handled numerous divorce cases with in-laws who wanted both a voice and a vote.  We have always stood firm for our clients and provided knowledgeable legal advice and years of experience, which effectuate productive problem-solving.

Our compassionate lawyers assist clients with divorce and family law matters, including managing complex in-law relationships and grandparent visitation rights, in Belmar, Spring Lake, Sea Girt, Wall, Brielle, Ocean Grove, Neptune, Long Branch, Holmdel, Colts Neck, Manasquan, Lavallette, Seaside Park, Island Heights, Berkeley, Lacey Township, Barnegat, Manahawkin, and throughout Southern New Jersey. If you have questions about divorce and strategies to ensure a calm, effective process while managing unruly in-laws, call us today at (732) 812-3102  or contact us online. One of our team members is here to provide you with a free consultation.